This weekend something big changed in my life, but I left it out of my weekend update because I wanted to talk about it with you, and honestly, it warrants it's own post. Well I guess I can say "he" because what I'm referencing is my grandfather passing away Saturday.
As I type those words it's such a weird feeling. It's not that I am not sad about it, I am, I just don't feel like I've been emotional enough I guess. I've dealt with grief before, obviously, with my sister, but these things are so different. Yes, it's death either way, but he was in his 90s. He lived a full life and was such an amazing man. The fact that the world lost a great person, that I did, makes me sad, but in such a different way than my sister. I've never lost a person from natural causes before. Never because they got to live such a long, wonderful life. I'm not angry, like I was for a bit with Mallory, but I'm not terribly distraught either, like I feel like I should be, like other people are. This is my first grandparent gone and I'm more scared than anything. I feel like time moves so fast and I never stopped to consider that he wouldn't be there when I graduated or got married or had babies.
I guess the thing that confuses me is that I've seen people grieve over their lost love ones before and I'm not reacting that way, I never really have. And I think it just brings up things I thought were done and gone and now I'm here dealing with it again. Is the amount you loved a person directly connected to how your grieve them? Is it weird that I've never really cried about either loss? I always thought the world would stop if one of my sisters or my parents died, but yet when that happened, it didn't. I still had life waiting for me. I sometimes feel bad, or like I need to apologize, for the fact that I don't cry every day about it. That I haven't fallen apart, like other people do. It scares me that people will think they must not have meant enough, but that's not it at all. I think I've just grown detached in a lot of ways as things have happened. I wish that I was a crier. I wish that for a day I was completely emotional about it, but it's never been that way, and I feel guilty about it to be honest. Is that normal to be relatively okay after people that you love die?
I read these two quotes and they just really stuck out to me. Sometimes other people can say what you're thinking perfectly.
“I’d like to believe that I’m never too far from you, that my heart was made so vastly enormous because I had to keep every part of you in it. Because someone, somewhere decided to keep you from me and instead, place you inside me.”
I love this one. I hope that a piece of him is inside me somewhere. It's comforting to think that I maybe got a piece of that strength and courage and absolute goodness. He was such a good, loving person, and they just don't make 'em like that anymore.
“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness but of power. They are messengers of overwhelming grief and of unspeakable love.”
When I read this one, it made me feel like it was okay to be upset, if I needed to be. I always feel like it makes me selfish if I get angry that they're gone. That I wished for them to stay when they were scared and in pain. But when I read this it made me feel a bit better, because for me to want them back so terribly must speak volumes of how much I loved them, even if I can't properly show it.
I guess all in all, I'm just a bit stunned right now. It's not that I'm not sad, don't get me wrong, I just wonder if I'm sad enough. I just worry that people will think less of them, or me, because I don't burst into tears when I think of them. And I also worry about my other grandparents and how much I need them to be there when I get married, and have babies, and my parents become someone's grandparents. I think losing someone for me doesn't make me appreciate time more, it makes me terrified of when there won't be any more time. And just like everything else, I don't know how to handle that, at all.