Wednesday, May 7, 2014

The Struggle is Real

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Out of all the things I'm fearful of, emotions practically top the list. Or atleast the fear of being vulnerable and trusting other people with my emotions…does this happen to anyone else? 
Not that I don't feel them or wish that I didn't, just that I'm always afraid to show them. In high school, I got a reputation for being kind of a b**ch and while I felt like that wasn't really who I am, I also didn't try to change it, because being rude made me feel powerful and being emotional about things, or at least showing it, made me feel weak. How stereotypical, I know. 
I get very anxious about things…very often. I don't like to be vulnerable in front of other people or trust people enough to take the chance to tell them how I feel about things and this has affected my life in ways I didn't expect. It makes relationships very hard, especially with family, because I'm quick to cover up hurt feelings with angry words. This also affects relationships with guys because no way am I letting a guy know what I'm thinking or how I feel about something. 
A lot of people think that I am conceited, or arrogant, or snobby and judgmental, and sometimes I have moments of each of those I guess, but overall I'm just scared of a lot of things. I don't party because drinking and big crowds makes me nervous, not because I think it's below me and people who do it are stupid. I actually truly wish I was more carefree and less fearful, so I guess in a way I envy that in them. I don't hookup with people or believe in sex before marriage because of my personal faith, but I am by no means judging people who feel that is the right path for them, just because I know it is not the right path for me. 
I think it's important to just put it out there that I struggle with these things, not just for me, but because I think it's something important that people who know me should know. 
People often joke about me not having emotions, and I often join in, but it's more about me not knowing how to handle them and pushing them aside than not having them at all. For example, the other day I read Amy's post and really loved it, so I wanted to leave a comment expressing that, but I wrote it and rewrote it a million times and then considered not even leaving a comment because I wasn't sure what she'd think about it. I felt awkward and embarrassed and it literally almost made me delete my comment. And this has happened multiple times. 
I avoid being sweet or kind sometimes because I feel like I'm not "doing it right" and that causes me to not be who I really am, and I'm starting to realize that everyone expresses things in their own way and that's okay. 

Deep inside, she knew who she was, and that person was smart and kind and often even funny, but somehow her personality always got lost somewhere between her heart and her mouth, and she found herself saying the wrong thing or, more often, nothing at all.
                                                                            — Julia Quinn


Being honest and open makes me uncomfortable for the most part and so I push people away, because that's easier than taking a chance on them, and that is something I really want to change. I want to be confident enough in who I am and how I feel about things to voice it, and if someone doesn't react to my kindness with kindness, then I don't need them in my life, and it's that simple. I don't want to be scared of being the silly, thoughtful, kind, sometimes awkward person that I am because I am afraid people won't accept it, or make me feel ashamed about it. 
I don't really know how to change my approach to it, but I've been trying a little each day to say or do kind things when my automatic response is just to not respond (or to respond harshly - it's a problem). I have been focusing more on being honest about how I feel rather than pushing it away and pretending it isn't there. I think expressing how you feel about things is important, because in my experience, not expressing it made me angry, and mean, and just overall unapproachable, and that's not how I want to be. 
So overall, I guess this post doesn't really have a point other than blubbering on about the struggle I've been feeling inside myself. It is easy for me to be aloof and seemingly careless, but that isn't really who I am, and I don't want people to only see that side of me. I'm not really sure how to be more okay with being vulnerable but I'm working on it, and I guess that's the most important thing. 
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P.S. - After re-reading this multiple times before sucking it up and hitting publish, I realize that this post is pretty open and raw, and the most vulnerable I've been in a while, so thanks blog-o-sphere for pushing me out of my comfort zone in a pretty comfortable way, even though I'm feeling very awkward about it. 
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