Thursday, October 15, 2015

Vulnerability Part II

It's been forever since I've blogged, especially a more talky lifestyle kind of post like this one is going to be, but I'm so ready to be back at it. Recently, I've had a lot going on, both personally and school wise, and I just haven't really felt like I've had much to say. I got a baby bunny named HRH Prince Oliver, I took the LSAT, and I started my senior year of college, so it's been quite a busy few months.
What's really on my mind at the moment though is a whole other set of recent events. Pretty recently, I was involved in a situation where I had to be a lot more vulnerable than I'm used to. Those of you who've read my posts before will laugh at that, because it's an understatement to say that vulnerability is not my strong suit. Give me anything formatted like a competition and I'm all about it, but talking about my feelings? No thanks. 
Anyway, it really pushed me. I had to come out of my "I have no feelings" comfort zone and I learned a lot of things about how I deal with emotional issues and why I sometimes resort to attacking as a defense mechanism. But honestly, even after all that, the whole situation failed. Tanked. And in a lot of ways I made a lot of mistakes and wish I had done things differently. And if I'm honest, I'm in that phase after you're vulnerable and something doesn't work out where you feel really stupid, and naive, and you do that thing where you keep letting the same people kick you when you're down but you still make excuses for them because you just want to be right about who you thought they were. But in the end I felt like I was in one of those dreams where you feel so exhausted, like you've been running for ever and you've gotten no where, and I would sit and cry to my best friend about how I felt like I was trying to hold sand in my hands and it just kept slipping away, and at that point, you just gotta let go. 
I get so tangled up in this mindset of "I have to make everything work" and "failure is the absolute worst thing that could ever happen," but, excuse my french, but that's bullshit. Letting people in and things not working out isn't failing. That's what you're supposed to do in life. And sometimes things just don't work. I know that's a revelation to you if you're like me, but because I need to hear it too, I just thought I'd throw it in there. Not everything works out. Sometimes people suck. IT'S REALLY ALRIGHT and not in any way shape or form the worst thing that can happen.
So, my point is, I've learned some really important things in the past few weeks/days, like the fact that sometimes you care about people and they just don't care back, and that's okay. And you don't have to explain why you feel a certain way or feel the need to rationalize it. You feel however you feel and that's perfectly okay. You are allowed to. And yes, being vulnerable and not having things work out like you planned sucks, and it's embarrassing, and you feel stupid because you should've known better. But it's alright. Because that feeling only lasts for a little bit, and then it's over. And you don't have to have all of those "what if" feelings because at least you know you did what you thought was right, and if it didn't work out, it's not on you. And really if that's the worst feeling you ever feel in your life you are pretty GD lucky.
I think it's always scary to take a step without knowing how it'll turn out. And I think everyone is afraid of putting themselves and how they feel out there for the whole world to see (especially when you then blog about it afterward), but I think it really is worth it.
I saw this quote the other day and I knew I wanted to include it in this blog post because it's exactly how I feel. It's so hard to love people. It's so much easier to be defensive, and cold, and never really let people in, but that never gets you anywhere. It makes you bitter, and cynical, and nothing ever comes from that. But taking chances on people, even when it goes absolutely terribly, is the only thing that ever amounts to something. 
So, I say, even when you're scared, even when it's uncomfortable, take a chance on people, and be proud of yourself whether it works out like you planned or not. Because the worst that can happen is you'll be sad blogging about it from your bed on a Thursday night and hopefully over it by Sunday.  
I've included BrenĂ© Brown's Ted Talk on vulnerability too, because she says so much better what I'm trying to get at. It's complicated, and it's messy, and sometimes things don't go the way you planned and it sucks, but it's really REALLY important. And I think all the good things in life come from it. So watch, and learn. 
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